Wheel of Ventilators, a Comedy Sketch

Scene: The White House Briefing Room

Never forget that Trump is a reality TV host and not a real leader
--or a doctor

Mike Pence's Voice: And now it's time for America's favorite new game show--Wheel. Of. Ventilators. And here is your host--that stable genius and your favorite President, America's cheerleader--Donnnnald J. Trump.

(Orchestra plays upbeat version of Hail to the Chief. TRUMP enters.)

Trump: Good evening, everybody. Welcome, fake news media and everyone in the studio audience (Three people clap.) Recently, we decided to make these daily COVID-19 press briefings more fun. Even though my ratings were through the roof--I mean, Super Bowl, Bachelor finale, JR Getting

Shot, that level, you know what I mean. Even though we had such great ratings, I wanted something catchier, more entertaining. So I decided, why not make the whole thing a game? You know, audiences love that. And I'm a cheerleader. That's what I do. People like that Yamiche Alcindor woman from PBS or somewhere, always asking negative, depressing questions. What a downer, right? Can't she lighten up a bit? Before we get started, I want to thank this evening's sponsors, the makers of the new miracle drug hydroxychloroquine (He holds up a bottle of fish tank cleaner), the MyPillow Guy, and my daughter Ivanka who along with my son-in-law Jared, will be reading the questions for our contestants.

(Jared and Ivanka enter. Three people clap.)

Xi in Florida: A Modern Opera

(A modern opera in the style of Nixon in China)

ACT ONE
An airport in Florida. PRESIDENT TRUMP is standing amid a crowd of reporters and staff. Repetitive dissonant music in the style of Philip Glass or John Adams plays. Trump sings.

TRUMP:
Fake news. Fake news.
You are all fake news.
I am the one real news.
You are all fake.
I am real. You are fake.
News. Fake or real.
Who knows? Who knows?

Do you? Do you? (he points to members of the audience)
There is no true. There is no lie.
It's what I say it is.
Fake news. Fake news.

Let's Fake a Deal!

Monty Hall from the old Let's Make a Deal show.
Trump is copying the format.

The news has been depressing me so much lately that I have foresworn cable channels like CNN, MSNBC and Fox. Never mind that I don't have cable anymore, I could have gotten access through YouTube. So now my default viewing when there is nothing worth watching on broadcast channels and I'm too lazy to surf through all the choices of Netflix and Amazon is Buzzr, a game-show haven where I can watch visions of the past including What's My Line, To Tell the Truth, and I've Got a Secret. An hour-long block of Let's Make a Deal is on at 8, but even that comfortable echo from my childhood makes me think of our hellish new political landscape.

Announcer (Paul Ryan): These suckers...I mean people, dressed as they are have come from the four corners of the world to the marketplace of America on LET'S... FAKE...A DEAL...and now here's TV's big dealer...Monty Trump!

(Orchestra plays theme music: Let a Winner Lead the Way. Monty Trump enters. Audience cheers)