Wheel of Ventilators, a Comedy Sketch

Scene: The White House Briefing Room

Never forget that Trump is a reality TV host and not a real leader
--or a doctor

Mike Pence's Voice: And now it's time for America's favorite new game show--Wheel. Of. Ventilators. And here is your host--that stable genius and your favorite President, America's cheerleader--Donnnnald J. Trump.

(Orchestra plays upbeat version of Hail to the Chief. TRUMP enters.)

Trump: Good evening, everybody. Welcome, fake news media and everyone in the studio audience (Three people clap.) Recently, we decided to make these daily COVID-19 press briefings more fun. Even though my ratings were through the roof--I mean, Super Bowl, Bachelor finale, JR Getting

Shot, that level, you know what I mean. Even though we had such great ratings, I wanted something catchier, more entertaining. So I decided, why not make the whole thing a game? You know, audiences love that. And I'm a cheerleader. That's what I do. People like that Yamiche Alcindor woman from PBS or somewhere, always asking negative, depressing questions. What a downer, right? Can't she lighten up a bit? Before we get started, I want to thank this evening's sponsors, the makers of the new miracle drug hydroxychloroquine (He holds up a bottle of fish tank cleaner), the MyPillow Guy, and my daughter Ivanka who along with my son-in-law Jared, will be reading the questions for our contestants.

(Jared and Ivanka enter. Three people clap.)

Ivanka wearing the new COVID-19 prevention hat.

TRUMP: In our recent trade agreement with China, Ivanka got a trademark deal on everything from baby blankets to coffins. From cradle to grave, Ivanka's got you covered (Ivanka waves at the TV audience.) But don't die before November, folks. (pause) Just kidding.

JARED: Sir, what about my role on the shadow task force?

TRUMP: Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me, kid. Cause he did such a great job on that Middle East Peace deal, Jared is now in charge of the federal government's response to this flu thing.

PENCE (from the announcer's booth): I thought I was the head of the task force, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Shut up, Mike. You're on the REAL task force. Jared just needs something to keep him busy and on the payroll. Now, on with the game. Mike, introduce our first three contestants.

(Three contestants, all governors, enter and step up to the contestant podiums.)

PENCE: From Albany, New York, we have a failed politician whom everyone in his state hates, Andrew Cuomo. From Michigan, some woman no one's ever heard of, Gretchen Whitmer, and from Florida, a useful idiot for our side, Ron DeSantis.

NY governor Andrew Cuomo, a real leader, not a cheerleader
or reality TV star

TRUMP: OK, Andrew, you go first, spin the wheel.

CUOMO: What is this? I need 30,000 ventilators. I don't have time for a silly game. People's lives are at stake.

TRUMP: Look, you want your medical breathing doo-hickeys? First of all you gotta show proper appreciation. Second, I'm the boss and you're not. Third, spin the frickin' wheel.

CUOMO: All right, I spin the wheel (He spins) Come on, big numbers, big numbers (The wheel stops at the number 5,000.)

TRUMP: Ooooo, 5,000 ventilators.

CUOMO: But I need a lot more.

TRUMP: Shut up! I'll decide what you need (Points to his head) I got your metrics right here. Ivanka sweetheart, read him the question.

IVANKA (pulling a card from a board with numbers corresponding to the wheel): For 5,000 ventilators, who was the greatest US president ever to draw a breath?

CUOMO: Abraham Lincoln. (BUZZER sounds)

TRUMP: WRONG! The correct answer is me. Next contestant!

CUOMO: What a minute. I call for judgement.

TRUMP: OK, I'm a fair guy. Judges, what say you (Curtains open to reveal Doris Kearns Goodwin and Jon Meachum bound and gagged). Judges, am I the greatest president ever or was it this Lincoln guy? (Goodwin and Meachum struggle against their bonds, but to no avail.) Just as I thought. Next, you, the broad. Spin the wheel.

WHITMER: I'm the governor of Michigan, please be respectful.

TRUMP: Yeah, yeah whatever, spin the wheel.

(WHITMER spins the wheel, it lands on 20,000).

TRUMP: Lucky lady. 20,000 precious life-saving vent-am-callums. Jared, read her the question.

JARED (picks the card for 20,000): Who do you trust more in times of a pandemic? A president who has gone bankrupt six times or health-care professionals with decades of experience in infectious diseases?

WHITMER: Um.. health-care professionals?

Dr. Birx's scarves can double as a mouth gag
if she says something the Prez doesn't want to hear.

TRUMP: WRONG!...Yeah, yeah, I know, you object. Let's hear from our health care professionals (The curtains part and Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx are revealed, bound and gagged with Dr. Birx's signature scarves). They agree with me. Third contestant, spin, Ron.

(DeSantis spins and lands on 40,000)

TRUMP: Wow! 40,000 ventilators. Ivanka, read the question.

IVANKA (reading card): You have a multiple choice question. Your state is about to be invaded by a deadly, highly contagious virus. Do you a) prevent the spread of infection by closing all non-essential businesses including churches, beaches and restaurants; b) ignore all warnings and party on; or c) resign immediately, admitting you don't know what you're doing.

DESANTIS: Uhh..... C sounds good.

(TRUMP, IVANKA and JARED all vigorously shake their heads no).

DESANTIS: Oh, ah, B.

TRUMP: Correct! You win 40,000 ventilators and are entitled to a bonus question for 5,000 N95 masks and surgical gloves. Jared, read the bonus question.

JARED: On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate my dad-in-law's performance on the coronavirus crisis?

DESANTIS: Uh..27?

TRUMP: That's a little low, but I'll accept. You win!

DESANTIS: I can't believe I won! I've never won anything.

TRUMP: You were elected governor of Florida thanks to me, dummy.

DESANTIS: Oh, yeah, right, may I kiss your ring?

CUOMO (to Whitmer): C'mon, let's call Gavin Newsome and form our own consortium to buy medical supplies in bulk so this idiot can't outbid us.

PENCE: That's all the time we have for Wheel. Of. Ventilators. Now our president will lead us in a cheer. (Trump dons cheerleader outfit and picks up pom poms.)

TRUMP: U.S.A. U.S.A. We will crush COVID by the first of May!!!! Go, Trumpies!