Let's Fake a Deal!

Monty Hall from the old Let's Make a Deal show.
Trump is copying the format.

The news has been depressing me so much lately that I have foresworn cable channels like CNN, MSNBC and Fox. Never mind that I don't have cable anymore, I could have gotten access through YouTube. So now my default viewing when there is nothing worth watching on broadcast channels and I'm too lazy to surf through all the choices of Netflix and Amazon is Buzzr, a game-show haven where I can watch visions of the past including What's My Line, To Tell the Truth, and I've Got a Secret. An hour-long block of Let's Make a Deal is on at 8, but even that comfortable echo from my childhood makes me think of our hellish new political landscape.

Announcer (Paul Ryan): These suckers...I mean people, dressed as they are have come from the four corners of the world to the marketplace of America on LET'S... FAKE...A DEAL...and now here's TV's big dealer...Monty Trump!

(Orchestra plays theme music: Let a Winner Lead the Way. Monty Trump enters. Audience cheers)



Monty Trump: Good evening, I know you love me. You have such good taste. I'm here to save you as only I can and to make big deals. That's how things get done. Am I right? I said, Am I right? (Audience response is not to Monty's likings) OK, let's try that again. Cut! Are the cameras still rolling, Paul? No, good. Because that was the worst cheer I ever heard. Let's try it again and really mean it this time. Am I right? (Audience screams approval, a few even offer the Sieg Hiel arm gesture which Monty returns and quickly retracts.)

Monty: Welcome to Let's Fake a Deal where I offer you everything and you get nothing. I'm going to start with this gentleman right here (He points to a man dressed as a construction worker who squeals with glee).

Contestant #1: Oh, Monty, Monty. I'm so excited.

Monty: OK, OK, calm down (Reads contestant's name tag) Joe Worker. I'm going to make you a big deal. Do you have health insurance, Joe?

Contestant #1: Yeah, I got that Obamacare crap. Since I lost my job it was the only coverage I could get but it's so freaking expensive.

Monty: Yeah, I know. I plan to get rid of it and replace it with....something. It'll be fantastic whatever it is. But right now Joe, are you willing to trade your stupid health coverage for the huge box my beautiful and highly datable daughter Ivanka is standing next to on the display floor? (Cut to Shot of Invanka gesturing in front of a huge gift box).

Audience (Screams): Take the box! Take the box! You look healthy!

Contestant #1: Yes, I'll risk it, what the hell. Nobody lives forever.

Monty: You are so right, Joe. Tear up your insurance (Joe willingly takes his Obamacare insurance policy out of his pockets and rips it to shreds.) Attaboy. Now, Ivanka, let's see what Joe has won.

(CUT to the display floor as Ivanka pushes the box away to reveal that crazy doctor who said Trump would be the healthiest president ever. Orchestra plays "Zonked" music.)

Monty: You win $500 worth of vouchers which you may apply to office visits to my quack...I mean doctor (Pictured at right). Any referrals, surgeries, or extra procedures, you're on your own.

Contestant #1: But Monty, what if I get sick? $500 isn't gonna cover shit.

Monty: Move to Canada, you loser.

Contestant #1: At least I'll have Medicare in a couple of years.

Paul Ryan (Announcer voice-over): Don't count on it.

Monty: Shut up, Paul! (He walks away from the sobbing Joe Worker to the next aisle to pick the next contestant) You madame. (He points to a dead-eyed zombie of a man who is obviously Vladimir Putin dressed in drag as a Russian peasant woman.)

Putin (stands and speaks with heavy Russian accent): Yes, I am typical American housevife, Debbie Allenberry from Mil-vaukee, Vis-consin. I am not at all ruthless Russian president and the reincarnation of the great Stalin in any way, shape or form. How do you doink, there, Monty?

Monty: I'm doing great, Vlad--I mean Debbie. What do you have to trade on Let's Fake a Deal?

Putin: I have hacked emails (He pulls thousands of slips of paper representing Hillary's hacked emails from one bosom.) and I have lots of fake news (From his other bosom he pulls thousands of news clippings representing fake news stories about Hillary being really sick, Hillary about to be investigated for the Clinton Foundation, Hillary being the love child of Satan and Eva Braun.)

Monty: Debbie, that's wonderful. Just for that, we are going to skip right to the Big Deal of the day because I make up my own rules as I go along. That's what got me where I am today. Right, audience (Audience cheers wildly.)

Lone Member of the Press (standing up in the audience): Wait a minute, that's not fair and that housewife looks like Vladimir--

Monty: Get him outta here. (Thugs drag off the reporter) Can you believe this biased press? So negative and full of such liars. Anyway, Debbie, you have a chance to get the big deal of the day. Will you pick Door Number 1, Door Number 2, or Door Number 3?

Putin: Oh Monty, I don't know...I vant 3.

Monty (stage whispers): No you don't you want 2.

Putin: Oh, yes, yes, I remember now. I make mistake. I take Door Number 2.

Monty: Debbie, you have picked the Big Deal of the Day. (Music swells, Door Number 2 opens and reveals a giant map of Europe with Ivanka, Jared, Donald, Jr. Eric, Baron and Melania dressed representing different countries pointing to the map and smiling.) Debbie Allenberry of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, you have won all of Europe. Not just the Ukraine and Eastern Europe, but all of it.

Putin: On, Monty, thanks so much, Check is in mail (Putin runs onto the stage and embraces the Trump family).

Monty: That's all for today. Watch our new season starting January 21, Let's Break a Deal.

Paul Ryan: Let's Fake a Deal is a Monty Trump-Totally Corrupt Production. This has been Paul Ryan speaking. Good night, America.