A Very Special Bewitched with Special Guest Star Donald Trump

In response to a Breitbart article stating feminist witches were casting hexes on Donald Trump:

The scene: The home of Darren and Samantha Stephens. Samantha is preparing dinner in the kitchen and feeding toddler Tabitha.

Tabitha: Mommy, why can't I have dinner with you and Daddy tonight?

Samantha and Endora prepare for Trump's visit

Samantha: Because darling, we have a very important visitor. The President of the United States. Daddy's being considered to head his new public relations unit and convince the American people he's not a jackass.

Tabitha: Is he a jackass, Mommy?

Samantha: Whether he is or isn't is not the point, sweetheart. Daddy's job is to make the people believe he's not.

(Lighting flashes, thunder roars, and Endora, Samatha's mother, suddenly appears)

Samantha: Mother, I've asked you not to make such a dramatic entrance.

Tabitha: Grandma!

Endora: Hello, darling! Samantha, is it true what I've heard on the witches' grapevine? You are actually allowing that vile reptile Donald Trump into your home? Have you gone mad? The fumigation bills alone will break poor Durwood.

Samantha: For the thousandth time, his name is Darren, not Durwood.



Endora (picks up Tabitha): Never mind that. Is Trump actually crossing your threshold?

Samantha: He has a job for Darren and Trump is a very important man.

Endora: So was Hitler and look at the damage he did.

Samantha: Mother, that's not a fair comparison.

Endora: Oh no? Ask him what he plans to do witches and warlocks.

Samantha: What do you mean?

Endora: Earlier today he tweeted he plans to drive all witches out of America and anyone who sympathizes with them is a big loser. Then there's a little sad face. How vulgar and ineloquent.

Samantha: He's just appealing to his base.

Endora: Base is right. I'm staying for dinner and giving that impudent mortal a piece of my mind.

Samantha (taking Tabitha): Mother, NO! You can't do that to the President of the United States!

Endora: I did it to Abraham Lincoln and he freed the slaves as a result.

Samantha: Only after you turned him into a toad.

Endora: It worked, didn't it? (Laugh track. Darren enters)

Darren: Sam, have you hidden all the Barack Obama pictures? (Sees Endora) What the hell is she doing here?

Endora: Good evening to you too, Dolphin. Or should I say Benedict Arnold, betraying your own wife and daughter. Not to mention your loving mother-in-law.

Darren: What is she talking about, Sam?

Samantha: Mother is a bit upset about President Trump's stand on witches.

Darren: That's just talk. He's a tiny bit impulsive.

Endora: A tiny bit? Tabitha has more self-control than that blathering baboon.

Darren: We don't have time to argue. They'll be here any minute with Larry and Louise Tate. Get rid of her, Sam! Now! My future depends on it.

Samantha (handing Tabitha to Esmeralda who suddenly appears): Thank you, Esmeralda. (Esmeralda exits with the baby) Darren, calm down. I can't force Mother to leave and now that I think about it, do you really want to work for a man like that?

Darren: I don't believe this. He's the President of the United States.

Endora: What profit a man if he loses his immortal soul?

Darren: Don't quote philosophy to me when millions are at stake (to Samantha) Sam, we could live in a mansion. Send Tabitha to the best schools. We'd have everything.

Samantha: But sweetheart, those things aren't really important and we could have all that through witchcraft if we really wanted them.

Darren: But this way, I'd be providing them for us, the normal, mortal way as it should be.

Samantha: Meaning what, exactly?

Darren: Meaning that the man should be the breadwinner, not the witchy wife.

Samantha: Oh, I see.

Endora: Not you see him for what he truly is, daughter. A mortal chauvinist pig.

(Doorbell rings)

Darren: Oh my God! He's here. Sam, I didn't mean it that way. (Runs to the front door, camera follows along with Samantha and Endora, Endora zaps Darren who suddenly grows a snout, piggy ears and a curly tail)

Samantha: Darren, STOP! Don't answer the door.

Darren (oinking): Why not? (reacts to his piggy voice) Oh no! (Looks in the hallway mirror) Endora! Change me back.

Endora: Only if you agree to let me stay and speak to this hideous creature in human form.

Darren: Nothing doing.

Endora: Answer the door, then.

Darren: SAM!

Larry Tate (from outside): Open the door, Darren.

(The secret service bursts down the door to reveal Larry and Louise Tate and Donald and Melania Trump)

Trump: What's the hold-up? (Sees Darren) Why's this guy dressed as a pig?

Samantha (thinking quickly): It's part of Darren's new ad campaign for the president. Support Trump: Embrace Your Inner Pig! (Larry is mortified and covers his head with his hands)

Trump: I love it!

(GO to commercial)