'Bewitched' Family Therapy

Would Darren and Endora
benefit from family therapy?

While watching Bewitched reruns, it occurred to me that Samantha, Darren, and Endora should attend a family therapy session. Conflict is the source of all comedy, but it seems that in every episode neither witch nor mortal would give in and there is no learning or healing on either side. How could Samantha stand all that bickering and having her spouse constantly transformed into various beasts or given personality changes? Here's an imagined scene with Samantha, Darren, Endora, and a family therapist, perhaps played by Norman Fell who played Sigmund Freud on an episode.

Therapist: Thank you all for coming. So Samantha, why would you say you, your husband and your mother are here today?

Samantha: Well, doctor--

Therapist: I'm not a doctor. I'm a therapist.

Endora: See, this mortal isn't even a doctor. We are wasting our time. You and I could be in Paris right now, attending all the couture shows instead of babbling on about our insides. The least you could have done was whipped up Sigmund Freud like I did that time--

Samantha: Mother, please. You said you would try. (Endora makes a face of compliance and gestures to Samantha to continue). OK, we're here today because my husband and my mother just can't seem to get along. They get into the most violent arguments. I love them both, but there is endless conflict. It's getting to the point where I feel my loyalties are being divided and it's really hurting me. My mother is a part of my life and I want her to be, but she zaps into the house any time she wants, gives Darren a hard time, belittling him. She can't even say his name correctly. 

Darren: Exactly!

Samantha: Just a minute, sweetheart. I'm not finished. On the other hand, Darren, you can be a little unreasonable sometimes.

Darren: Sam!

Therapist: There is no right or wrong here, Darren. Let Samantha finish.

Norman Fell as Sigmund Freud
on the "I'd Rather Fight Than Twitch"
episode of Bewitched

Samantha: I feel you are trying to smother part of me. That by pushing Mother away you're suppressing the witch side of me and denying who I am.

Therapist: The witch side?

Samantha: Yes, doctor--

Therapist: Stanley.

Samantha: Yes, Stanley, mother and I are witches. 

Therapist (lets that sink in): Ooooookay. (Audience laugh track plays)

Samantha: And my husband Darren is violently opposed to any display of witchcraft on my part--

Darren: Stanley, may I offer my perspective here?

Therapist (after a long pause): Sure, why not?

Darren: I'm a normal, mortal man and all I want is to live a normal, mortal life. Is that so unreasonable? I want my wife to be a normal, mortal wife who cleans the house, cooks my meals--

The time Endora almost ended
Samantha's marriage

Endora: Stop right there. My daughter was not raised to be a housemaid, Durwood.

Darren: For the ten thousandth time, you 700-year-old hag, it's Darren! And not just that. I would not be so adamant about witchcraft being out of our lives, but Endora keeps pushing in and mocking and literally making me into a monkey sometimes.

Endora: How dare you, I am not a day over 600 (She raises her hand to cast a spell on Darren, but the therapist stops her.)

Therapist: Alright, for the moment, let's just take this witch thing as a given. Maybe it's a metaphor for something else, I don't know, maybe non-conformism. 

Samantha: Yes, that works for me.

(Endora and Darren nod in agreement)

Therapist: So, Darren, why do you object to your mother-in-law's frequent visits?

Darren: Alright, aside from being changed into everything from a jackass to a little boy and the constant mocking and abuse from her, she's interfering in our marriage and trying to take Samantha away from me. She almost succeeded one time. I think she wants Samantha to go back to her old life.

Endora: For once, Dustbin is right. I do want Samantha to return to the coven. A witch's life is free and marvelous, not some dreary domestic drudgery, picking up after a lowly mortal.

Darren: There, you see, Stanley, there it is. She hates me and thinks I'm not good enough for her daughter.

Endora: I don't just think it. I know it!

Samantha: Mother, please.

Therapist: Endora, why do you think Darren is not good enough for Samantha? Isn's she an adult who knows her own mind and inclinations?

Endora: Of course she is. But she's been misled. I resent Darren's insults to me and how he rants on and on about how terrible witches and warlocks are. I feel as if I were in old Salem in that house. (to Darren, directly) There is nothing wrong with being a witch--

Therapist: Non-conformist.

Endora: Whatever. When he commands--commands, mind you--to cut off Samantha's witchcraft, he's attacking me. He's making me feel small and unimportant and less than. So I suppose I retaliate in the only way I know how. With a spell, but by the end of the episode, I always remove it. 

Therapist: Episode?

Endora: Within a reasonable amount of time, let's say. The point is I have never permanently harmed Dolphin.

Therapist: Samantha, you've been quiet during most of the session. What are your feelings about what your husband and mother have said so far?

Samantha: I can understand both their points of view. But their endless quarrels are tearing me apart. It's hurting our children, Tabitha and Adam. I want this marriage to work and to last. I don't want a half-marriage, like yours, mother.

Endora: What!!?? Samantha, I will leave this instant if you bring up my relationship with your father again. (She stands up) He has nothing to do with your mortal misalliance. (She gestures as if to make herself disappear)

Therapist: Endora, please, don't go. It's important for Samantha's mental well-being and that of your grandchildren that we hash this out. 

Endora: Very well, I'll stay. For you, my love, and Tabitha and Adam, not him (she gestures at Darren and sits).

Therapist: Now, can you describe your marriage, Endora? Do you live with Samantha's father?

Darren: Ha! She doesn't "live" (uses air quotes) anywhere--except at our house.

Endora: (she ignores Darren's jibe. Soft tender music with the Bewitched theme plays in the background.

Maurice and Endora

After a moment's reflection, Endora speaks) Samantha, what you said just now hurt me very much. No, Stanley or whatever your name is, I do not "live" with Maurice, my husband. We each go our own way and follow our our stars. We love each other very tenderly but about 100 years ago, I believe it was at Grover Cleveland's second presidential inaugural ball, I caught him flirting with Cleveland's young wife behind the punch bowl. I was furious and doused him with the contents. He shrugged his shoulders and laughed. We decided to remain in each other's lives but that we would live separately. I've found comfort with others, as has he and we are content with the arrangement. (To Samantha) It's not a half-marriage, darling, it's lasted for centuries. I love your father very much. I just can't live with him. I wish I could.

Samantha: (Taking Endora's hand) Mother, I'm sorry I hurt you. I shouldn't have put it that way. But I love Darren as much as you love Daddy. I can live with him and I want to. I enjoy keeping the house for him. (Turning to Darren) And, sweetheart, I love my mother. I don't want to cut her out of my life or to end my...nonconformist ways. 

Darren: I understand, honey (To Endora) Endora, I didn't mean to make you feel small or to denigrate all...non-conformists.

Therapist: Well, there's been some progress here. What about this? Endora, you let Samantha and Darren know when you are going to... zap in and stop (using air quotes) "casting spells" on Darren. (To Darren) Darren, you let Samantha be...nonconformist at least once a week...as long as she doesn't break any laws. Maybe allow her a girls' night out with her mother every two weeks,

Endora: "Allow her" Now just a minute, Stanley! (She raises her finger menacingly)

Samantha: Mother, you promised, no non-conformism.

Endora: Very well, I do feel better. I'm glad I came. Now it's off to Paris.

Therapist: Have a wonderful trip.

Endora (Smiling): Oh, I will. (she raises her arms and vanishes)

Therapist: Where did she go? She just...disappeared.

Samantha: Didn't you see her walk out the door? My mother is very fast.

Therapist: No, I...I was looking right at her and suddenly she wasn't there.

Samantha: Don't be ridiculous, doctor... I mean Stanley. Well, thank you so much for your help. All of us really got a lot out of our time with you. Come on, Darren. (She and Darren get up to leave.)

Therapist: Just schedule another appointment with my receptionist.

Samantha: But it's the end of the episode. We're alright now. The conflict has been resolved.

Therapist: But therapy is not like magic. We don't suddenly cure all your issues in one twenty-two minute session. And why do you all talk as if you were TV characters.

Samantha (shrugs) Force of habit (she snaps her fingers and she and Darren also disappear)

Therapist: I need to change my medication. (Fade out amid canned laughter)