Saturday, September 3, 2016

Who's Afraid of Virginia State?

The 2016 Presidential Debates will resemble
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
The moderators for the 2016 presidential debates have been announced and a startling image came into my mind. The second debate will be co-hosted by CNN's Anderson Cooper and ABC's Martha Raddatz. This will be the first time both the debaters and the moderators will be opposite-sex pairs. It made me think of the event as a horrible nightmare version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, two drunken couples clashing in an all-night boozefest. Here's my version of the debate:

Who's Afraid of Virginia State (with apologies to Edward Albee)
Hillary Clinton as Martha
Donald Trump as George
Anderson Cooper as Nick
Martha Raddatz as Honey

The scene: a living room in Washington DC, late at night. The set is in darkness. We hear loud voices arguing offstage. The door opens, Hillary and Donald enter, returning from a late-night party.

Hillary: What a dump!...What's that from?
Donald: How the hell should I know?
Hillary: It's from some damn movie. Some damn Warner Brothers epic.
Donald: Ah ha! Your memory is failing. Just like I've been saying. Your health is terrible. You're falling apart. You don't have the stamina to be president.
Hillary: Listen, baby, I can drink you under any goddamn table you want and don't you forget it. You're the one who's in terrible shape in spite of what that crazy doctor of yours says. Now fix me a drink, lover.

Donald: I guess a nightcap wouldn't kill either one of us.
Hillary: Nightcap? We've got guests coming over.
Donald: Guests? At this hour of the night?
Hillary: Yeah, guests, people, moderators.
Donald: Moderators?
Hillary: Yeah, we gotta have a debate.
Donald: Now?!, But the NFL will be on in few hours, no one will be watching.
Hillary: Look, lame-brain, a bipartisan commission scheduled a debate for now. And we have to have it now. So get ready.
Donald: Well, who are these moderators, anyway?
Hillary: You know, what's their name.
Donald: Who?
Hillary: What's their name, you know, Anderson somebody, he's on CNN and his mother was an heiress or something and Martha somebody, she's on ABC. She's always overseas or in the desert somewhere.
Donald: Just keep your hands off this guy, will you? There are few less disgusting sights than you with a few drinks in you and your skirt up over your head after you've had one of your seizures...
Hillary: That's a lie! That video was taken out of context!
Donald: ...and you fall all over some good-looking stud. Anyway I hear he's gay.
Hillary: Anderson Cooper is not gay and I'm just the broad to prove it!
Donald: That's from Valley of the Dolls, you twit, not Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

(The doorbell rings)

Hillary: Debate! Debate!
Donald: Jesus Christ, do we have to do this now?
Hillary: Just get over to the door, or I'll start singing.
Donald: Not that!
Hillary: (singing and dancing like a maniac) Who's Afraid of Virginia State, Virginia State, Virginia State, Who's Afraid of Virginia State where I get all the votes.

(Donald throws open the door to reveal Anderson and Martha, dumbfounded at Hillary's performance)

Anderson: Well, hello.
Martha: Hello.
Donald: You must be our little moderators.
Martha: Look if this is a bad time--
Hillary: No, no, not at all. Let's get started, I've been prepping for this for weeks. Numb nuts over here hasn't even had a practice session.
Donald: What's the point? You can over prepare for these things. The people love me. Spontaneous, that's the secret of my success.
Hillary: Some success, four bankruptcies, his yacht was repossessed, he stiffs all of his vendors, he sold the Plaza Hotel for less than he paid for it--
Donald: That's enough!
Hillary: He's sort of a flop. A big fat flop!

(SMASH! Donald smashes a bottle against the mantlepiece)

Hillary: I hope that was an empty bottle, baby. You can't afford to waste good liquor, not when you only have a few hundred field offices and a tiny staff--
Donald: I don't need all that crap. I've got Twitter and free media. Every time I open my mouth I make headlines around the world--
Hillary: Yeah, Trump offends Mexicans, Trump offends blacks, Trump offends women, Trump offends disabled people, veterans, Muslims--
Donald: There's no such thing as bad publicity, toots.
Anderson: All right, let's settle down now.
Martha: Yes, let's go to the first question. What is your vision of America?
Donald: All right, you want my country. I'll give you my country. My country is a land of equal opportunity.. as long as you're white, male and straight. Women know their place. Hispanics and blacks are respectful, only have servile jobs and stay in their own neighborhoods. The only gays are hairdressers and choir directors and they never talk about their private lives. There's an enormous beautiful wall protecting us from outsiders and everyone says Merry Christmas not Happy Holidays. (He begins crying and screaming) It's a beautiful wonderful vision and I alone can make it happen. Me! Me! (He stands center stage with his arms raised like Mama Rose or Evita. The others stare at him as if he were insane for a moment of terrible silence.)
Hillary: Donald, I have bad news for you. That country is imaginary just like the son we never had.
Donald (howls in despair): NOOOOOO! (He sinks to the floor)
Hillary (walks slowly over to Donald and cradles him in her arms, sings):
Who's Afraid of Virginia State, Virginia State, Virginia State
Donald: I am, baby, I am.

(The curtain slowly falls.)

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