The Amazing Race 22: Episode 4: Psychopaths in Bali

Jessica and John
before the psychological breakdown

I knew I hated John and Jessica from leg 2 of TAR 22 when they confessed to the camera they were contemplating breaking the alliance and not giving Dave and Connor the extra Express Pass. ("This isn't an honesty race, it's The Amazing Race.") But I didn't think John was a certifiable psychopath. But this week, he revealed his disassociation with reality. Not only did this duo of bizarre blonds receive a whopping helping of karmic payback, but John actually went delusional.

It all began back in Christ Church, New Zealand, with Dave with the pulled muscle and his son Connor coming in first place thanks to the second Express Pass Jessica and John finally gave to them. But they have to keep racing as this is a two-part, four-day leg, the longest in TAR history. Last week it was big cliffhanger as to whether or not they would continue, but they decided in like two seconds. Everyone else checks in rapid fire after that and we were deprived of the joy of seeing Max covered in shit from the dog-run obstacle course. Then we spend about ten minutes at airports and travel agencies. Note to the producer: edit out the ticketing sequences. It's boring and nobody cares.

Once we get to Bali, a bunch of monkeys reveal the clue inside a coconut. (When I was in India, monkeys were everywhere and we were explicitly told NOT to go near them or feed them.) The choice of detours is Fruity Top or Sandy Bottom which sounds like handkerchief designations in a gay bar. Fruity Top is building a religious offering from fruit and Sandy Bottom is hauling sand from a river to fill up a huge bucket. As they head off to Fruity Top, J and J endlessly brag about how smart, strategic, and detail-oriented they are. The very first stop should have been taken as an evil omen. Minutes after boasting of their awesome powers, they wander into the wrong house and start making an offering from leaves and discarded candy. Then still blathering about what mental giants they are, they find the right location and give up on building a simple arrangement after the YouTubers and the country girls do a better job. So they switch detours, always a bad idea. Remember they've still got the Express Pass.

Not realizing that the Roller Derby Moms have chosen and finished the Sandy Bottom--sounds dirty doesn't it?--J and J sweat like pigs and haul mud. When they got to the Roadblock--finding a surfboard with a picture of the priest from Bora Bora and delivering it to Phil at the finish line--Jessica realizes they are last with only Mr. and Mrs. Walmart Taxidermist ahead of them. Rather than screaming at her partner to use the express pass and save their asses, Jessica folds up like a deck chair. John is in the third stage of grief--denial--and refuses to believe he might need the Express Pass at only the fourth leg. So he stubbornly continues searching for over an hour for the right surfboard. Then when Phil informs them they are dead last, and are the first team in Amazing Race history to be eliminated while still holding an Express Pass, he still cannot accept that he made a mistake. Rather than admitting his errors, saying how much he loves Jessica and what a great time they had, he boldly states he has no regrets. Jessica is devastated that she is stuck with this loon and Phil looks at the camera and says "Oy vey!"